Rearranging Deck Chairs

Being the cruise director on the Titanic here is no picnic. Some days I just shut my brain down. Some days, like today, I can't make it shut up.

I don't think Dad is going to make it through the summer. It is a distinct possibility that I am beginning to face. There is a chance he won't make it until my husband returns from deployment. Which opens up an additional can of worms- will they let my husband come home for a funeral. The death of my father would qualify him for consideration, but there is no guarantee. Now, while I completely understand that this is outside of his control, not everyone else in my family will be willing to see that. I emailed him today to tell him that I understand and know he will be here if they let him. But it has already got possible screaming fights running through my head.

To say that my relationship with my younger sister and her wife has been "difficult" for the last ten years would be an understatement. Early on, I was always one of their biggest supporters. I was one of the first people my sister came out to in the family. I have known her wife longer than she has-over 20 years. But there have been incidents where I have felt judged, disrespected, and taken advantage of by them. The most recent, and most relevant, was when our maternal Grandma died a few years ago while I was pregnant. I had seen Grandma while home for the holidays and knew that my good-bye was my final goodbye. It was awful, but I got through it. I went back home and kept in close touch with Mom. As Grandma got sicker, Mom told me she didn't want me flying home for the funeral if I was only doing it to support her. She told me, "If you feel like you need to come to say good-bye, then come. But I would rather you didn't fly any more than you have to. I'll just worry." So I felt like I'd stay put. I emailed my sister and began laying the groundwork for my non-appearance early. Because I knew if I wasn't there, there would be comments. I told her Mom didn't want me flying and that I'd really said my good-bye. I feel, personally, that funerals are for the living and I'd be coming to support Mom, but she would rather I stayed home. I got an email back telling me: "Don't kid yourself. If you don't come it's because you don't want to." (Did I mention that she's a therapist?) I let it go. I didn't send back a nasty-gram. I didn't tell anyone in the family and cause WWIII. I moved on. We didn't talk much for a while, but I've always tried to maintain a relationship because I would hate to not be speaking to my sister.

But now, with Dad sick, they are in full force judgement mode. They think it is wrong that my sister's husband didn't come in to see Dad for a few weeks. And my sister in law felt free to tell his Mother what they thought at his daughter's Communion. My Aunt called my older sister today and said my younger sister told my Aunt's daughter that she is annoyed that my Dad's sisters don't come to visit more often. My cousin, to her credit, told my younger sister that they were just respecting Dad's wishes not to have too many visitors. ( Did I mention that they all still work, one just had a knee replaced and they all live at least 1.5 to 2 hours away?) I am trying not to get drawn into all of this. I am a big believer in not sticking your nose into other peoples' business or arguments. Especially in times of stress. But I can hear this one knocking on my door. And it is making me sick. I don't want to get into a screaming fight in my Dad's last days. I don't want to get into a screaming fight during that most stressful time of wakes and funerals. But if I'm pushed on this one, I don't think I can help but push back.