Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Pushing Through

It's been almost two weeks since we lost Dad and I don't know that it has really hit me yet. The first week was absolutely consumed with preparations and ceremonies. Days spent in a funeral home for viewing are some of the longest you'll ever live. I haven't done it in almost 20 years. In the exact same place, as a matter of fact.

I cannot begin to explain what the fire department did for us. They stood honor guard, every minute of every viewing. The did a farewell ceremony the second evening. They did a final farewell the morning of the funeral and lined the halls in honor as we each left for the church. That almost did me in. Like every Junior fireman touching my Dad as they walked past his casket. The entire department stood honor guard at the church. Every fire truck was in his procession. He rode in the floodlight he restored. They had flags over all of the major intersections. We drove past the fire house and they had his turnout gear out front. Which broke my heart. They set up the whole luncheon for us at the fire house. Between viewing times, people came to our house and did food and drinks and tables for us. I can't tell you what they all mean to me. I know I need to write them a thank you but I can't even get started. I haven't started on any of my thank yous yet. I feel like it is going to be such a private thing, I don't knwo where I can do it. But I have to. To thank my friend who was with me every step of the way. To thank the friend who drove 8 straight hours to be with me without thinking twice. To thank the friend who sent his parents in his stead. To thank all of the people who supported me and helped me. It's just exhausting to think of starting. A little like when I was trying to pack to come home in March.

My son doesn't understand what has happened. He keeps asking about his Papa. Are we going to see him? Why can't we go to Heaven? Can he talk to him? Why? It breaks my heart over nad over. But part of me wants him to keep on asking so I know he remembers him. Not that he doesn't make me laugh too. He's learning the Mickey Mouse song. He had Mom and I peeing in our pants singing all together. He hits the high points.

Mom is trying to set the land speed record on writing her thank you notes. She writes until she's dizzy. She's written about 400. Seriously.

It's comforting to know we aren't the only ones who love him.

Now I'm trying to establish a routine again. Down time is my enemy at the moment. Last weekend dragged on forever. Like I said, I'm still waiting for it to really hit me. I'm running as fast as I can.

4 comments:

MaryB said...

I just wish I could have done/could do more. You let me know, k?

And, not to be dumb, but what is exactly is the restored floodlight that you mention he rode in? Im sure its not a floodlight like the kid os lightbulb Im familiar with..is it firehouse terminology?

Anonymous said...

Either the pregnancy hormones haven't receded yet, or the emotional reality of parenthood is here to stay because you're making me cry.

I can't decide if I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, or so glad that there are so many there for you, so many there for him to honor him in the way he deserves... can you be all of them? I am.

Hope you're doing alright... and glad you're not stuck in Nigeria anymore. :)

Brenda said...

Emily, it's not the pregnancy hormones..... cuz she made me cry too.

Annie, your father was truely loved and appreciated. I bet it was an awsome sight to see all those firemen standing guard over your father. I hope Sam does keep asking the questions and singing.

I also am clueless about the floodlight.

Also glad you are not stuck in Nigeria anymore either.

Hugs,
Brenda

Iceberg Queen said...

Okay, so the floodlight is a fire truck. It is an old style truck that is full of, you guessed it, floodlights. Like you'd have at a movie premiere. To put light onto a night time fire scene. It's got two rows of seating in the back, like dugout benches along the sides. So they slid Dad in the back on the benches. Dad and one of his best friends spent months restoring it when I was a kid. They mostly use it in parades now.