Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Off the Beaten Track

We've been back almost a month now and while on the surface everything looks normal and like we are moving ahead. I feel like I'm swirling around most days. My schedule helps and I'm getting things done, but I feel disconnected or removed. It's worst at night. I am back to not sleeping. I spend many hours on the couch staring at the TV or ignoring it in a quest for rest.

I have a friend I recently got back in touch with who also, even more recently, lost her partner of 7 years to a brain aneurysm. She started a blog and her pain seems like the only thing that makes sense to me some days. Basically no one here knew my Dad and so life has not changed for them with his death. It's almost like the whole block of time doesn't exist here. I've been feeling right along that my 7 months home were out of regular time. Being back here at my own house has only reinforced that feeling.

Sometimes my son is the only thing that seems real in my daily life. And I feel liek a waver between holding on to him and being exhausted by him. He's only 3 and isn't responsible for me. But, bless him, he gives shape to my days.

I'm just so tired, I can't rest and nothing in my head will settle. It is a dust storm in there, a tornado. And I don't expect to land in Oz.

3 comments:

Anything is Possible said...

I've been thinking about this post for about an hour now. I've never lost anyone in my immediate family. That's not necessarily true. My grandma had a stroke several years ago and she's now slightly lost.
My grandparents used to be some of my closest friends. I would call them almost daily and talk for hours about stuff. They were wonderful listeners. They gave great advice. When she had her stroke, everything fell apart. The part of her brain that made my grandma great is gone. Now when we speak on the phone, they either exhaust me, irritate me or just make me angry. I am still grieving for that great part of my grandma that held everything together so well.
I have several snapshots stored away in the depths of my memory that I pull out when I miss her or need some of that great advice I miss so much. It helps me get through those tough times.

Anonymous said...

If you landed in oz it wouldn't be that bad, as long as it's not the days we're in America. :)

Then again... you'd have a place to stay...

(Then again, this is assuming you know that Oz is what everyone here calls Australia.)

Brooke said...

Oh lordy...I NEVER sleep. Call me when you're up and watching Designing Women at 4:00 in the morning.

Oh? I'm the only one doing that?

Call me anyway. Really.